Sometimes we don’t realize the weight of what we say. Until we are the ones that weight is crushing.

Until we are the only ones who notice the elephant in the room.

I cared. That’s why I spoke.

I had a traumatic vaginal birth, that’s why I began studying.

I knew birth mattered.

I knew the current system often fails us.

And then I myself had to be laid down, cut open to save my baby.

I did absolutely everything to ensure a healthy pregnancy and birth with midwives that fully trusted my body and the birth process. I even had worked to heal my body for years when it happened to me.

And now I feel the weight.

The weight of every birth story telling me I failed without those words spoken.

The weight of every birth video that I could not watch yet, if ever again.

At first you feel the slippery slope, you dare not go down it yet and ask the What Ifs – even though they are calling you.

And then you slowly process it more and more – but by then nearly everyone has stopped listening.

I would do it all over again for my baby.

But most of all – I wish I would have known the worth my words held so that I never crushed another mom who went before me and laid down for their baby.

I learned even deeper that how you are treated in labor matters. Having support, people listening to what your instincts are telling you. Not having to fight for your beliefs to be taken seriously.

And after all this… it seems we can be forgotten.

So for this, I say…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry when you didn’t feel heard. I’m sorry that the world is full of triggers that remind you of how strong you had to be on that day and the days afterwards. I’m sorry if you ever felt alone and scared.

However you feel, whenever you feel it – is completely normal and ok. Whether you are 1 hour out and in the recovery room or it was 5 years ago, you deserve someone to listen.